Too fucked up to care anymore.

samtastic @ 2006-08-28T23:20:00

2006-08-29T03:21:12Z

esf ggggeg

samtastic @ 2005-05-29T21:30:00

2005-05-30T04:32:03Z

I'm realizing now, that I shouldn't have watched Saw tonight. It was a good movie.. but the negative energy now is just killing me after living two weeks in a world of just positive.

samtastic @ 2005-05-14T01:18:00

2005-05-14T05:19:50Z

I'm beginning to see now more than ever that people are so selfish.

samtastic @ 2005-05-03T21:12:00

2005-05-04T01:13:17Z

Nothing can stop me now
cause I don't care anymore.

just hold on..

2005-05-02T21:23:05Z

Now that I have you alone, we can get down to business soon.

samtastic @ 2005-03-30T01:45:00

2005-03-30T06:52:56Z

My days consist of Hunter S. Thompson and painting on cardboard.
I hope Spring Break never ends.

samtastic @ 2005-02-06T22:52:00

2005-02-07T03:56:41Z

I love taking medicine that makes me drowsy. I love that feeling of being comfortable no matter what position I lay in. I just feel so weightless.

significance.

2005-02-04T21:42:09Z

I play at night in your house
I live another life
Pretending to swim
In your house

I change the time in your house
The hours I take
Go so slow...

I hear no sound in your house
Silence
In the empty rooms

I drown at night in your house
Pretending to swim...

thoughts. I miss you.

2005-01-20T21:13:12Z

It's so easy to mold humans into what you want.
I don't know how that doesn't scare the people who are being molded. Although, they're probably oblivious to the whole situation.
I have certain powers over certain people. I've come to learn that. I don't like having such power, so I don't use it to my advantage on purpose. Sometimes it just can't be stopped.

Every night I lay in bed and think, and it's what keeps me up at night. Last night I did this same thing. But. I was thinking of a certain thing, and instead of keeping me awake, it made me feel so safe and comfortable. Which made me sleep. I've never felt that before. I've never just layed there and thought and drifted off to sleep because of how content my thoughts made me.

I've been smiling a lot lately. I love this feeling that is making me smile uncontrollably.

What movie was the song "Just Like Honey" in by The Jesus and Mary Chain? If you know, tell me.

I've realized my reason for being put here on earth. It's something I never really thought too much about, but it just came to me recently why I'm here. I know my purpose.

A white flash keeps appearing in my right eye, randomly. It was bothering me at first, but I think it's about to get to the point where it's just going to be comforting, and when it goes away, I will wish it was there once again.

I like holding hands. Especially when you don't know you're holding hands until it's time to let go, when the feeling of wanting it back is so strong.

I got paint on my favorite bracelt and it's not even bothering me.

Nothing can stop me now.

samtastic @ 2005-01-18T22:21:00

2005-01-19T03:22:27Z

samtastic @ 2005-01-16T22:54:00

2005-01-17T03:59:53Z

If you were offered a chance to be happy..
wouldn't you take it?

samtastic @ 2005-01-15T00:46:00

2005-01-15T06:11:10Z

I think this is the turning point.

samtastic @ 2005-01-11T22:28:00

2005-01-12T03:31:11Z

"I'll go run away."

"can I come with you?"

"no"

"hah. okay"

"if you were to come with me i would not be lost."

We do crazy things when we're wounded.

2004-12-29T12:48:40Z

Ever wonder how differently your life would be like if someone was missing from it?
I'm looking around at the items on my desk, and wondering what wouldn't be here if so and so wasn't in my life. I'm searching through all the lessons they've taught me and wondering if anyone would be here to teach me those if they weren't. It's hard to imagine what my life would be like without them. I don't see myself as having much of one.
You learn something from everyone, and I'd never want to give up what I have been taught.

samtastic @ 2004-12-23T23:53:00

2004-12-24T04:54:55Z

I tell you something wonderful and it doesn't even effect you.
She just tells you something, and you jump off your ass and click your heels.

samtastic @ 2004-12-23T23:05:00

2004-12-24T04:05:54Z

temptation.

Lucy was seven and wore a head of blue barrettes.

2004-12-09T04:17:54Z

I don't agree with those who say you can overcome a fear, by experiencing/facing it.
There's a lot more to it.

samtastic @ 2004-11-12T23:22:00

2004-11-13T04:22:36Z

I need to start taking a notebook with me everywhere, I come up with things I want to write down constantly, but nothing to record them in.

samtastic @ 2004-10-24T23:45:00

2004-10-25T04:27:30Z

What if I reached over and grabbed your hand tomorrow and said "Let's get out of here."

What if I reached over and grabbed your hand and you said "Let's get out of here."

samtastic @ 2004-10-12T23:23:00

2004-10-13T03:35:44Z

It doesn't even matter who.
My eyes would be closed anyway.

samtastic @ 2004-10-10T00:33:00

2004-10-10T05:09:25Z

I hate that feeling I get in my stomach right before someone tells me something awful, because I'm expecting it.

I was wondering today what it would be like to not feel. But you wouldn't be able to know what it would feel like.. because.. that's what you're taking away. I can complain about how much I don't want to feel any emotion, but I'd be lying. I just wonder about it. And of course it's only after I have felt pain. Why would I not want to feel emotion when it's something that doesn't give me that burning feeling in my stomach I previously said?

I noticed my mind comes up with things a lot more when I'm cutting grass. The constant sound of the mower drowns anything else out that would be able to interupt my thoughts. I have to concentrate harder to hear myself think, maybe this is why also. I'm actually focusing on what my mind says to me.
The grass/area in front of me is my blank canvas. I paint. I paint a picture. Words. Anyting. I'm looking at the ground the whole time, mower on. This should be some form of therapy.

Why is it that humans remember the bad things more than good? Or they feel the need to express more bad things than good? I do it too. Like the number 44 scares me, and when I look at the clock, and see that it says "44" in some form, I make it known and get all freaked out. "Look! See! That number!" But what about all the other times when I looked at a clock and 44 was not shown? I'm going to run into every number more than once over a span of time. It is time, might I add.

Enough for now. I will be departing you now, journal.

samtastic @ 2004-10-01T19:04:00

2004-10-01T23:16:23Z

I thought about something today. And I've come to the conclusion that I don't believe in promises. I don't want to make any. I don't want to hear someone else make any to me.

First off, if someone makes it and then breaks it, you're going to feel like utter shit. You and whoever broke it.

If someone makes a promise, that means that they're going to most likely go through with it no matter what, right? Well, what if that person does not want to agree to the promise anymore, but they still go through with it because they promised you. That's ass. Because then they're lying to you. I'd rather have someone be honest with me, and go through with what they really want. Not just because they have made a promise and it's like taboo to break it.
I just hate promises because you're saying you're going to choose one side and stick with it, even if changes occur.

samtastic @ 2004-09-25T15:45:00

2004-09-25T20:03:56Z

Sometimes I believe you know everything about the world.
And I want you to teach me.

samtastic @ 2004-09-16T13:40:00

2004-09-16T20:53:44Z

One of my friends came to me with something he wrote down last night. He made sure no one else saw it but me. I read his views on a few things, and then I read about how he's not happy. Now, this is a person who I thought was. He has played it off pretty well if you ask me. He believes what I believe. He says no one will ever be able to bring him happiness. No one will ever make him feel complete. He said not even himself. I was upset after reading this, because he made it sound like he was so alone. I was glad he shared it with me instead of hiding it from me like he has everyone else. Tonight I'm writing him a letter. To share my thoughts and to tell him I'm here for him for whatever I can be.

I've noticed a lot of people come to me with problems like this. Even if I don't know them well, like this kid today. I know that people trust me and find some sort of comfort in me or my words. I know I'm different, and that's why they can tell me these things. I'm not being conceited, it's just the truth. If this had only happened once or twice, I wouldn't say this, but it happens often. A lot of it has to do with me listening. No one wants to take the time and listen to someone else talk about their problems. When I meet a person for the first time, I open them up before I open myself. I ask a lot of questions about theirself. I think that's why most come to me.

It feels nice to know he came to me with this. I think the best feeling in the world is to know you're needed. Now tonight is my turn to let him know that.

samtastic @ 2004-09-13T20:42:00

2004-09-14T00:46:40Z

Your words take some weight off of me.
I wish you would say things like that more often. And mean it.
I'd listen to the song, but I don't have the strength to sit through it. The words floating in and out of my mind are enough.

"But I am alone."